Long Time Coming

Its like you're screaming, and no one can hear...
You almost feel ashamed, that someone could be that important that without them you feel like nothing....
No one will ever understand how much it hurts....
You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you and when it is over and it is gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back so you could have the good.

These are the opening words to the music video of Rihanna's song we found love. When listening to songs it is almost impossible to not relate to them. When hearing words like these for anyone who has been in love it gives you hope that even though it isn't the same relationship you are not alone in feeling the hurt of losing love. It has been just over half a year since I last wrote a post, I don't no why it has been so long. Maybe I just lost hope cause no one was reading. I know I said I didn't care if I has any views and I don't but it would be nice to have one view. It would mean one person in the world is begging to understand me. For me this blog is the first time I'm not wearing a mask, I'm not lying to myself, my family or my friends about who I am and what I have been through. I would begin to feel more real and more me then ever before. However i do not how any followers and I have stopped posting for a while and I feel more alone then ever.

To keep any future followers updates I am now in the 12th grade. I am seventeen about 5"7 with long light brown hair and a really good body. From the outside my life is perfect, I live in a big house in the wealthiest part of the city I live in, I receive any material item I ask for, my parents are not divorced, I have two sisters and a dog. So I repeat from the outside I am perfect, my life is perfect, my school and work is perfect, my family is perfect, my friends are perfect, and it is all a lie. Pretending to be perfect is tiering and this year I have stared to slip. Until the begging of my senior year I had this fear in my that if I stopped smiling I would be able to start again. This fear wasn't true but because I decided that "fake it until you make it" wasn't good enough for me people now often notice something is wrong. What am I supposed to say to them? It isn't like I can tell them the truth and it isn't like I could lie so I just say I am fine. Because of saying I'm fine its nothing so often people one stop believing me and two get mad at me because they think i am pushing them away. So it is my last year in high school and even though I could be way less happy it is not like I am having fun.

Okay so I know this posy isn't describing anything about my past or telling you about me right now but I want you to not that these posts are just clips and scenes from my life and when I go back I cant say or explain everything cause it would be to dense and to hard. This is because my past is a trigger for me, it triggers all the bad feels and the whole I sometimes feel in my stomach and the lump in my throat when i start to cry. So just know this reader please by reading the small things I have written are are begging to see me but for no reason do you no me even though I want you too. I wish writing was my forte because then I would write everything about my life in the most skilled way possible, I would write a book and share with everyone the story of my past, present and what I believe is being held for me in the future. But for now reader this is all I have and I hope you can learn, feel, acknowledge and maybe relate to it. But never pity or think of me as a victim because I am stronger. I do not need compassion I just need understanding.

SENT AWAY

50 years seems like a good life right? What’s the problem with not doing the transplant, its not giving up is it? If that is the time I have I don’t need  more I just need to make the  most of it.

Every time I go to the doctor all I think of is him the man that raped me. I don’t know him or remember what he did to me but the impact of him has made up his mark. Not the two physical scars he’s given me but the fact that he is the one that made the discovery of my sickness. He made it visible to my family, he’s the one that makes me unable to sleep at night, when I do sleep I get night terrors and grind my teeth until the noise is so loud I wake myself up. The sleep doctors think that in the dream I relive the experiences with him; the only problem is that I don’t remember the dreams.

I used to think it was a blessing in disguise that I didn’t remember, but how am I supposed to get over it and move on if I don’t no what happened to me. Well I no what happened but I don’t know anything about it. I can’t speak of it in my family cause they don’t no what to say or do. I’m suffering this I don’t need to put them through it too. The whole thing comes back at night when I am safe in my bed alone in a guarded house is when the nightmares come. Do you no when people come up behind you and scare you while those people don’t need to scare me anyone who approaches me from behind makes me jump. Even if I’m sitting and someone comes behind me and hugs me, that is so frightening every time I think that could be him. I no its  not but that is what he did, there doing what he did.

In a moment everything can change for a second I had my best friend, my sister, and the next second she was gone. I no Carly needed help but I didn’t think she would every leave me. I no she had problems but I thought she could solve them here.

That one decision to send her away has shaped everything in my family and life today, not all for the better but all forever.

I'll add more about it later but for a while it was too hard to write about my life so i hope you enjoy this little preview of my next post

Camp

We never really no the impact we have on someone do we. I mean it may seem stupid but to me Taylor Swift is a person I feel I can relate to in a lot of ways. The only thing I can think of to help you understand this is in the Little Black Book with Brittany Murphy and her obsession with Carly Simon. The only difference is I’m not obsessed.

So back to Camp Gnu Summer third eldest camper, Taylor swift had recently just let out her new song our song the summer before I think. So this summer was extremely hard for me. My friends had become obsessed with the boys a year older and I was not included because I liked a guy in our year. I had a near death experience because in a water fight a latex balloon hit me and got in my mouth. My throat began to close, and my friend, Maya, rushed me down to the infirmary were I received an EpiPen for the first time ever. For someone who was scared of needles this was not a good thing. However now I am not allergic to latex anymore which makes my life a lot easier in the hospital that I am often in. At the time of this summer I was 14. This is young but I thought I was so old then because my section was in a village and not main camp, this was a huge deal! I met my consolers and sleepins and everything was fine. One of the counsellors was my sit when I was nine (Blair) and one of the sleepins was my sleepins when I was twelve (Sammy). However the other sleepin on wood had anger problems like me and was extremely pretty but just as mean. The other counsellor was in my section last year and we got along but she was forced to switch cabins because a staff member in another cabin was unable to be with little kids. So that left me in a cabin with my counsellor whose name is Blair and the girl on Wood, Sammy the other sleepin was never around. My and Blair did not get along and were always yelling at each other, I got her in trouble everyday, and the girl on wood hated me for it. I took it as a joke but at times it was hard my friends all with older boys and not talking to my staff I was pretty much alienated. I think that is what led up to it. So on visitors day along with Carly, my sister, telling me about all the stuff she has stolen and about her not eating, she asked me to deliver weed from her to guys two years older. I went with her to deliver them however never touching them. But from then on everyone in my cabin was jealous of me, I didn’t tell anyone what I did but compared to them dealing with guys only a year older everyone thought I was hooking up with they guys two years older. They are CIT’s last stage of being a camper. Blair hated me more for it and my section head gave me a talk about self respect but in all honesty I hadn’t done anything sexually with them. The attention never stopped and it got to my head. On sail trip my mother came to visit me. On sail trip my sister gave me more weed to give to them. Me and my friend Emma smoked some of it on sail trip and put the rest of it in a tiffany’s bag and brought it back to them. We pulled them out of the dining hall and handed it to them. They hugged us happily right as my counsellor came outside to yell at us to help clean up. She glared and I glared back as Emma went back in to help, I didn’t.

You could call these my dark times or whatever but this summer was so hard for me. Although my health had hit a plateau for a while, but I was still always sick and Blair picked on me. With out dealing with my sister this would have been hard enough but I was in no place to take any shit from Blair. She was not any better then me.

I went back up to there section with them which wasn’t aloud no cit was every aloud in the cit section but I didn’t care. I came back to my cabin that night high after my counsellors had left for staff-rec. It was eleven and my cabin wanted to no what I had don’t with all of them for five hour. I always told them the truth that we didn’t do anything and just talked but they never believed me. That night we decided to raid the kitchen, we got in and out no problem I had arranged everything and it had all worked out we were not caught. Until my sleepin on wood ratted us out the next morning when she saw all the stuff, apparently she had planned a program like that for us already. Then in all my anger at her for getting us especially me in trouble I told her that she is a little shit and that we are not juniors we don’t do fake raids there pathetic like you, I admit now that it was harsh but I was soo angry at her.  You see she had yelled at me the day earlier for no reason so I was ready to get her back. We had to clean up the dinning hall every day all three meals. We got dinning hall cabin of distinction. It wasn’t so bad though we got cakes from them and extra food and the cooks all loved us and we got to request meals. My sleepin on wood was so angry at this that she told the director that I was fooling around with the CIT boys, which wasn’t even true. But the funny thing was that the wood bitch got Blair in trouble because she needs to “keep more control of her campers.” It honestly couldn’t have gone better. Until my sister happened, Carly wrote on one of the cits wall “did you get the ten grams I sent up with Emma.” I’ll never know why she didn’t say my name but I was thankful. The director kicked out the boy but never even spoke to me or Emma because I was not specified even though it was my sister and Emma’s last name wasn’t written but everyone new anyway. It only made us cooler though it gave us the littler bad girl’s rep which was extremely true. We deserved it. The Camp director told my mom about Carly’s wall post even though she doesn’t go to camp but eventually my mom had found out what happened with me and Emma. It didn’t matter though all was focused on Carly and the mess she made for everyone. I never even got a punishment.

Speech

This was the most personal thing i have ever told anyone about my sister and our relationship. I am including it to give you an idea of what our relationship was like.

Motivational speech

Have you ever had anyone close to you that has had an eating problem? When I was 10 until the age I was 15 I had to deal with my sister and her eating problems. When I was 14 at camp my older sister came up to me and said “Danni I haven’t eaten in 2 months. I starved myself for two days and now I don’t get hungry.” I looked at her and realized I could count every single one of her bones in her body. I should have told my parents should have told her she has to eat years before that day but at that second I new she couldn’t get better by herself. I shouldn’t have waited all those years I should have intervened sooner; if I did maybe she wouldn’t have been sent away maybe she would have been my friend for another year. I can’t take back waiting all those years and lies I told for her but here, today I can try to persuade you to help your close friends and loved ones. Hi, I am Danni and today I am going to motivate you help people dealing with eating disorders.

To start off here is a list of reasons for you to help your friends:

First: because If you don’t they can eventually die

Second: if you don’t help them instead of going to an eating therapist or working through the issues with there family they will have to be hospitalized or sent away maybe for year or two.

Third: your relationship with the person will never be the same, you may not talk or you may still be friends but there will always be a huge gap of disappointment between you

He or she may be asking why didn’t you help me you’re my friend you’re supposed to look out for me, why didn’t you take care of me. And all you will be wondering is why did you do this to yourself, to us? It is not my job to save you your not my responsibility? And slowly the gap gets bigger and bigger until you can’t look at each other until your not talking until your not friends.

Fourth: because is wont only affect you and her it will affect her family and friend groups. There will be tension and questions everywhere you go.

The fifth reason is because you should care.

When confronting the person with the disorder you are best to have other friends with you. You don’t want to be rude or call her to skinny, but also you don’t want to be nice and tell her she looks great because when you have and eating disorder your self esteem is really low. You do not want the victim of the disorder to think not eating is the best option or to think she is ugly or too skinny because that could lead to drastic measures. You have to be compassionate and sympathetic, you have to put yourself in their shoes you have to tell them that you love them no mater what and you can’t let her go through with it. You can not skip the point of the conversation or be unclear with what you’re saying. You have to be straightforward and say what your concerns are. You have to listen to them without judgment, anger or criticism. Never start a fight if they are in denial just say how much you care again. Maybe you can make an information booklet about places to go to get help but often the parent like being responsible for those decisions. After all of this if they still deny the issue you have to realize it is the illness talking and not them so you have to go to a guardian.

In time if not right away you will no you saved there life and even if the person hates you for confronting them or telling your parents you should no they will always be thankful to you. Saving a friend and loosing them is always better then loosing them without trying to save them at all.

In Canada, 1 in 4 teenage girls have an eating disorder. In America 1 in every 3 girls has an eating disorder. We have a social epidemic on our hands and I no everyone would help because, it is in us to help, and it is in us to try. As human beings we all care and we all can relate to the feelings of each other.

My sister is currently at school in Toronto and has applied for universities all over the world. She has overcome her problems fully. Without me and my family that wouldn’t be possible. However because I waited so long to speak up and tell my parents about her problems my family has suffered so much more then we needed too, and I hope that one day this struggle will just be a distant memory. So today I hope you feel compassionate enough to intervene and help someone with a disorder so they can face the truth.


Because:

We all have that power,

And we all have that strength,

We all have that ability to relate to people,

And we all have that compassion to help people,

We all can change someone’s life.

THE IMPOSSIBLE

“Nothing is impossible the word itself says I’m possible" - Audrey Hepburn
This is a quote from one of the well known actresses in the world. This quote is the mantra I say to my self every morning, and sometimes I believe it; but Right now as in current day I am in the hospital my little sister (let’s call her Sarah) just got her wisdom teeth out. My older sister (let’s call her Carly) just found out in college that she has to go see a heart doctor my dad was no where to be found and everything feels impossible. So I think for and let my mind wander, I had my first kiss at age 3, my first boyfriend in grade 6, his name was “Ethan”, switched school at the end of grade six, had my first real kiss in grade 8 and didn’t feel anything, traveled the world always with a smile made my best friends Emma, Tessa, Jaime, Nicole, Nicky, Karley, Montana, Maddie, Hannah, Maya, Kyla and Jordyn (all real names). Yet here I am in the hospital alone, my friends don’t even no I am here. My life in grade six, seven and eight my life was a pattern friend chills sicknesses random nights at the hospital and now my sister started dealing with anorexia. On the outside my life looked perfect everything was a secret because, “what people no about you makes the person you are.” My dad would say I don’t agree with it though. It stayed the same in grade seven she was hospitalized and in grade eight she was my best friend. Carly had a chemical in balance so she was very fragile and her medicine didn’t work and when she smoked weed she hallucinated. At camp one summer she tricked me into bringing ad giving it to her friends. I started drinking at the end of grade even and had tried week but never with my sister. In grade nine Carly was sent away to Utah for rehab and I wasn’t asked back to camp. However I did get back in the next summer but with a huge warning. All of this though was just to be normal for me I wanted to impress her and not be “the walking disease” as that’s what she referred to me as. That’s when everything changed.

The Decision

My anger had gotten a lot worse and I was living a miserable life. Yes I was a happy young girl, yes I had allot of great friends, and yes I would miss months of school at a time. My parents now had a choice to make though. Was I going to live in a bubble and live longer or was I going to be free and enjoy the time I have but get sick often and put my self at risk. I think it’s clear what one they made. I was dying at a faster rate then everyone else but it was clear that I should be able to live it. I attended school got sick and the pattern was unstoppable it was safe to say that my fun and happy childhood was also about being too tired to walk or move. Things never looked good for me sleepovers were hard to accommodate and sometimes I wouldn’t be able to go to a friends house after school. That is when I was taken to The Hospital for a new type of meeting. This was when I started to go on testing medication and everything got a lot better. We had made the right decision for me.

I know I have no followers but for whoever is glancing at the page I want you to no that is not the point this blog is for me and only me it is my way of telling the truth to no one and everyone at the same time

Immune Deficiency Disorder

When I had my first post I was debating on how to start it. I usually start my story with something like this: I was in grade 6 when my sister was anorexic and I was in grade nine when she was sent away to rehab for it. That’s when it all started and that’s when I met him. This story however is about me not her so I’m starting it with a major event in my life and how I live. To do this we have to look at the past because it is the only way of understanding the present and hypothesize about the future. So here we go again it was when my doctor told my parents I was dying. Aren’t we all dying though every second of every day? Well they told my parents that I was different and that my immune system was shrinking at a rapid rate and that I was going to get really sick really often. They finally said that by the age of ten I wasn’t going to have an immune system at all. In the time between then I had mononucleosis twice, Pneumonia four times, Bronchitis, one Parasites, worms twice, the stomach flu 4 times every season a total of 16 times a year, a fever once a week, the number of times I had strep was countless, I was diagnosed with asthma, has countless ear and eye infections, the chicken pocks, once a week I would wake up with a fever, I began to have allergies to fruit, trees, and dust, I got migraines and my body was exhausted. Sometimes, at age ten, I would sleep for 24 hours straight. I was always in and out of hospitals and my parents were sick of it.

The Hospital

I was dropped off outside the hospital by my rapist. People came running outside rushed me in. My parents were notified and rape kits had been done. There was no DNA and the only mark on me was a burn behind my ear. This burn was a tiny thin line that turned into a scar and I had it for life. It took 2 days for the drugs he gave me to wear off and when I woke up I didn’t remember anything and the man was never caught. They said I passed out because of a General anaesthesia that was most likely from a dentist. They said once I was knocked out I received Diazepam and Rohypnol to keep me sedated.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYder83T_YA&feature=fvst

I never understood what had actually until I started watching law & order svu. My parents had told me but I didn’t no that it was wrong or what had really happened. I never remembered any of it. I know you are supposed to be bitter or act like a victim, but I’m not one. I was a happy kid. The rape was kept a secret except from my close family and I lived my life normally. The only problem was I was dying.

The Beginning

I was born in 1994 with out a doctor in the room. They thought I had Down Syndrome, from the beginning they new something was wrong with me, However the doctors were wrong I was born healthy. When I got home I had trouble sleeping, for most of my life I have had a sleep therapist. My older sister was not happy that I stole all the attention from her. When I was 2 they figured out I had anger management just as my younger sister was born. They said it was from my father because he also has this problem. I would get so mad all the time and my dad didn’t no how to deal with me. We would fight and he would sometimes hurt me, of course not on purpose just while carrying me up the stairs or by squeezing my arm to tight. When I wasn’t angry I was happy though, my friends only new me with a smile on my face and so did my family until I would loose it. When I was three I got so angry I ran away. This is where it all began. I remember trying to run to my friend’s house then being grabbed from behind. Something was put over my mouth and it was hard to breathe, that’s when I blacked out. I was so young and innocent I had no chance of running away; I never even saw it coming. Then I awoke I was in the hospital.