Its like you're screaming, and no one can hear...
You almost feel ashamed, that someone could be that important that without them you feel like nothing....
No one will ever understand how much it hurts....
You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you and when it is over and it is gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back so you could have the good.
These are the opening words to the music video of Rihanna's song we found love. When listening to songs it is almost impossible to not relate to them. When hearing words like these for anyone who has been in love it gives you hope that even though it isn't the same relationship you are not alone in feeling the hurt of losing love. It has been just over half a year since I last wrote a post, I don't no why it has been so long. Maybe I just lost hope cause no one was reading. I know I said I didn't care if I has any views and I don't but it would be nice to have one view. It would mean one person in the world is begging to understand me. For me this blog is the first time I'm not wearing a mask, I'm not lying to myself, my family or my friends about who I am and what I have been through. I would begin to feel more real and more me then ever before. However i do not how any followers and I have stopped posting for a while and I feel more alone then ever.
To keep any future followers updates I am now in the 12th grade. I am seventeen about 5"7 with long light brown hair and a really good body. From the outside my life is perfect, I live in a big house in the wealthiest part of the city I live in, I receive any material item I ask for, my parents are not divorced, I have two sisters and a dog. So I repeat from the outside I am perfect, my life is perfect, my school and work is perfect, my family is perfect, my friends are perfect, and it is all a lie. Pretending to be perfect is tiering and this year I have stared to slip. Until the begging of my senior year I had this fear in my that if I stopped smiling I would be able to start again. This fear wasn't true but because I decided that "fake it until you make it" wasn't good enough for me people now often notice something is wrong. What am I supposed to say to them? It isn't like I can tell them the truth and it isn't like I could lie so I just say I am fine. Because of saying I'm fine its nothing so often people one stop believing me and two get mad at me because they think i am pushing them away. So it is my last year in high school and even though I could be way less happy it is not like I am having fun.
Okay so I know this posy isn't describing anything about my past or telling you about me right now but I want you to not that these posts are just clips and scenes from my life and when I go back I cant say or explain everything cause it would be to dense and to hard. This is because my past is a trigger for me, it triggers all the bad feels and the whole I sometimes feel in my stomach and the lump in my throat when i start to cry. So just know this reader please by reading the small things I have written are are begging to see me but for no reason do you no me even though I want you too. I wish writing was my forte because then I would write everything about my life in the most skilled way possible, I would write a book and share with everyone the story of my past, present and what I believe is being held for me in the future. But for now reader this is all I have and I hope you can learn, feel, acknowledge and maybe relate to it. But never pity or think of me as a victim because I am stronger. I do not need compassion I just need understanding.
