Long Time Coming

Its like you're screaming, and no one can hear...
You almost feel ashamed, that someone could be that important that without them you feel like nothing....
No one will ever understand how much it hurts....
You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you and when it is over and it is gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back so you could have the good.

These are the opening words to the music video of Rihanna's song we found love. When listening to songs it is almost impossible to not relate to them. When hearing words like these for anyone who has been in love it gives you hope that even though it isn't the same relationship you are not alone in feeling the hurt of losing love. It has been just over half a year since I last wrote a post, I don't no why it has been so long. Maybe I just lost hope cause no one was reading. I know I said I didn't care if I has any views and I don't but it would be nice to have one view. It would mean one person in the world is begging to understand me. For me this blog is the first time I'm not wearing a mask, I'm not lying to myself, my family or my friends about who I am and what I have been through. I would begin to feel more real and more me then ever before. However i do not how any followers and I have stopped posting for a while and I feel more alone then ever.

To keep any future followers updates I am now in the 12th grade. I am seventeen about 5"7 with long light brown hair and a really good body. From the outside my life is perfect, I live in a big house in the wealthiest part of the city I live in, I receive any material item I ask for, my parents are not divorced, I have two sisters and a dog. So I repeat from the outside I am perfect, my life is perfect, my school and work is perfect, my family is perfect, my friends are perfect, and it is all a lie. Pretending to be perfect is tiering and this year I have stared to slip. Until the begging of my senior year I had this fear in my that if I stopped smiling I would be able to start again. This fear wasn't true but because I decided that "fake it until you make it" wasn't good enough for me people now often notice something is wrong. What am I supposed to say to them? It isn't like I can tell them the truth and it isn't like I could lie so I just say I am fine. Because of saying I'm fine its nothing so often people one stop believing me and two get mad at me because they think i am pushing them away. So it is my last year in high school and even though I could be way less happy it is not like I am having fun.

Okay so I know this posy isn't describing anything about my past or telling you about me right now but I want you to not that these posts are just clips and scenes from my life and when I go back I cant say or explain everything cause it would be to dense and to hard. This is because my past is a trigger for me, it triggers all the bad feels and the whole I sometimes feel in my stomach and the lump in my throat when i start to cry. So just know this reader please by reading the small things I have written are are begging to see me but for no reason do you no me even though I want you too. I wish writing was my forte because then I would write everything about my life in the most skilled way possible, I would write a book and share with everyone the story of my past, present and what I believe is being held for me in the future. But for now reader this is all I have and I hope you can learn, feel, acknowledge and maybe relate to it. But never pity or think of me as a victim because I am stronger. I do not need compassion I just need understanding.

SENT AWAY

50 years seems like a good life right? What’s the problem with not doing the transplant, its not giving up is it? If that is the time I have I don’t need  more I just need to make the  most of it.

Every time I go to the doctor all I think of is him the man that raped me. I don’t know him or remember what he did to me but the impact of him has made up his mark. Not the two physical scars he’s given me but the fact that he is the one that made the discovery of my sickness. He made it visible to my family, he’s the one that makes me unable to sleep at night, when I do sleep I get night terrors and grind my teeth until the noise is so loud I wake myself up. The sleep doctors think that in the dream I relive the experiences with him; the only problem is that I don’t remember the dreams.

I used to think it was a blessing in disguise that I didn’t remember, but how am I supposed to get over it and move on if I don’t no what happened to me. Well I no what happened but I don’t know anything about it. I can’t speak of it in my family cause they don’t no what to say or do. I’m suffering this I don’t need to put them through it too. The whole thing comes back at night when I am safe in my bed alone in a guarded house is when the nightmares come. Do you no when people come up behind you and scare you while those people don’t need to scare me anyone who approaches me from behind makes me jump. Even if I’m sitting and someone comes behind me and hugs me, that is so frightening every time I think that could be him. I no its  not but that is what he did, there doing what he did.

In a moment everything can change for a second I had my best friend, my sister, and the next second she was gone. I no Carly needed help but I didn’t think she would every leave me. I no she had problems but I thought she could solve them here.

That one decision to send her away has shaped everything in my family and life today, not all for the better but all forever.

I'll add more about it later but for a while it was too hard to write about my life so i hope you enjoy this little preview of my next post