50 years seems like a good life right? What’s the problem with not doing the transplant, its not giving up is it? If that is the time I have I don’t need more I just need to make the most of it.
Every time I go to the doctor all I think of is him the man that raped me. I don’t know him or remember what he did to me but the impact of him has made up his mark. Not the two physical scars he’s given me but the fact that he is the one that made the discovery of my sickness. He made it visible to my family, he’s the one that makes me unable to sleep at night, when I do sleep I get night terrors and grind my teeth until the noise is so loud I wake myself up. The sleep doctors think that in the dream I relive the experiences with him; the only problem is that I don’t remember the dreams.
I used to think it was a blessing in disguise that I didn’t remember, but how am I supposed to get over it and move on if I don’t no what happened to me. Well I no what happened but I don’t know anything about it. I can’t speak of it in my family cause they don’t no what to say or do. I’m suffering this I don’t need to put them through it too. The whole thing comes back at night when I am safe in my bed alone in a guarded house is when the nightmares come. Do you no when people come up behind you and scare you while those people don’t need to scare me anyone who approaches me from behind makes me jump. Even if I’m sitting and someone comes behind me and hugs me, that is so frightening every time I think that could be him. I no its not but that is what he did, there doing what he did.
I'll add more about it later but for a while it was too hard to write about my life so i hope you enjoy this little preview of my next post
Every time I go to the doctor all I think of is him the man that raped me. I don’t know him or remember what he did to me but the impact of him has made up his mark. Not the two physical scars he’s given me but the fact that he is the one that made the discovery of my sickness. He made it visible to my family, he’s the one that makes me unable to sleep at night, when I do sleep I get night terrors and grind my teeth until the noise is so loud I wake myself up. The sleep doctors think that in the dream I relive the experiences with him; the only problem is that I don’t remember the dreams.
I used to think it was a blessing in disguise that I didn’t remember, but how am I supposed to get over it and move on if I don’t no what happened to me. Well I no what happened but I don’t know anything about it. I can’t speak of it in my family cause they don’t no what to say or do. I’m suffering this I don’t need to put them through it too. The whole thing comes back at night when I am safe in my bed alone in a guarded house is when the nightmares come. Do you no when people come up behind you and scare you while those people don’t need to scare me anyone who approaches me from behind makes me jump. Even if I’m sitting and someone comes behind me and hugs me, that is so frightening every time I think that could be him. I no its not but that is what he did, there doing what he did.
In a moment everything can change for a second I had my best friend, my sister, and the next second she was gone. I no Carly needed help but I didn’t think she would every leave me. I no she had problems but I thought she could solve them here.
That one decision to send her away has shaped everything in my family and life today, not all for the better but all forever.
I'll add more about it later but for a while it was too hard to write about my life so i hope you enjoy this little preview of my next post
